Friday, May 11, 2012

Fairy Tales: And Then The Spider Almost KILLED Me. True Story.

Fairy Tales: And Then The Spider Almost KILLED Me. True Story.: Disclaimer: I do swear like a Sailor in this one. Sorry. But I hate spiders. They freak me THE FUCK OUT! This Picture is from the AWES...

And Then The Spider Almost KILLED Me. True Story.

Disclaimer: I do swear like a Sailor in this one. Sorry. But I hate spiders. They freak me THE FUCK OUT!

This Picture is from the AWESOME Allie Brosh

Today I had a follow up apt for my scratched eye. But I had some time to spare before I had to be there so I stopped at Starbucks to get a coffee and something to eat. I got this kinda awful tasting raspberry swirl pound cake. Don't try it. :-p And then I went over to Michaels so I could get a few things for my Portfolio project.

I came out of Michaels and sat down in the drivers seat. To my horror a large black spider with what appeared to be grayish dots on it was sitting on the dashboard. I HATE spiders. They freak me the fuck out. I grabbed a CD and tried to squash it, but it ran into the car and I lost it. At this point I needed to make my way to my apt. So I started driving *it was about a mile from where I had been* and was freaking out the entire time.

It would have been my WORST NIGHTMARE if it popped up somewhere near me. I was picturing the carniage on the road if that happened. Because believe me I would have either hit someone because I was freaking out or I would have been hit because I slammed on my breaks. I decided to lay it out for that damn spider:

Me: Spider, if you stay hidden I wont kill you.

Spider *plotting*: We'll see about that!

I got to Lenscrafters and was 15 min early and they were opening in about 4 min. So I sat there drinking my coffee and watching for the damn spider. Finally I couldn't wait anymore so I got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side where my purse was. I decided to hit the dashboard a few times to see if it scared it out.

It did. About 30 seconds after my last smack it came running out.

Spider: HAH! You're leaving! Now I'll hide somewhere and I crawl on your face and scare the shit out of you while you're driving. Possibly giving you a heart attack.

Me: NOT SO FAST you little fucker!

I grabbed my horrible pastry still in its bag and smashed it. Then screamed and dropped the bag and jumped quickly away from the car. I totally knew I looked ridicules! But I didn't care. Its an EPIC BATTLE between this spider and me. I grabbed my Maryland map and smacked it again on the floor of the passenger side.

It was dead. I was shaking and laughing because I was in shock or something. Shut the door and walked into LensCrafters for my apt. The two ladies at the desk were looking at me oddly.

1st Lady: Are you okay?

Me: *Laughing*: Yeah...there was a spider in my car.

2nd Lady: OH! We thought you were having car problems.

Me: *laughing harder and still shaking*: No! I wish! It was huge! *show them the size using my fingers.

We all laughed. It was actually quite funny because I know I looked like a spaz. But they understood. The 2nd lady even offered me windex to kill it. I told her it was already dead.

And that is the story of my epic spider battle. I'm sure I'll have bad dreams tonight about it. And I'm sure its siblings or spouse is plotting its revenge...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I Always Thought I Was An Alien...

Last Friday I woke up and wasn't able to see clearly out of my left eye. And by not clearly I mean it was SUPER fuzzy and it stung and was awful. I couldn't get an apt with my eye doctor until Today *Tuesday* so I have had to deal with my crazy ass eye all weekend.

Now let me give you a bit of a back story of the life of my eyes. When I was 7 I finally got glasses, but my eye doctor then told my mom that I should have had glasses when I was 5. That would explain why I struggled with school and reading. My mom said I wanted to read so badly when I was younger and I couldn't for whatever reason that I would just cry and cry and cry. PS. Reading is my LIFE.

Fast forward through some years and we found out I have crazy retinas and they could detach at any moment. And if I didn't go straight to an eye surgen I could be blind forever. So I need to watch for a black vail coming across my vision.

A few more years and I started getting sparkles if the pressure in my eyes change. They don't know why my eyes do that and they don't know what to do about it. Lets just hope it doesnt mean I'm about to die or whatnot.

Then fastforward to last year and I went in complaining about eye pain and dryness and found out I have severe dry eye. And I had scratched eyes because of blinking. The eye doctor ended up putting these plug things into my tear ducts to help me create more tears. I also was given special drops to heal the eyes.

And then finally fast forward to today. I went in and he took more pictures. He showed me my eye and you can see these tiny green dots...RIGHT in my line of sight. Hence...the vision problems. He believes that I sleep with my left eye open. And gave me more drops to heal it. I go back next week to check everything out again. I may end up having to wear special goggles every night that are filled with moisture or something and keeps my left eye moist while I sleep.

So what does this all mean? I think I'm an alien and never knew it. And I come from a moist planet and therefore Earth is to dry for me. Also I can start wearing steampunk costumes and my new "eye gear" and be all awesome and steampunk.

AND I can tell The Bloggess that her cat probably just has dry eye syndrome and she needs a special pair of goggles to wear while sleeping.